So I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this post or seem heartless or anything. But I've been feeling like I should post something and keep it recorded, because my goal is to someday make a book out of my blog!! Anyways...I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but I hope that you understand where I'm coming from, and that I'm not intending on hurting anyone with it.
Ok...anyways...so I had a doctor's appointment this morning. It was just a regular check-up to hear the heartbeat...ask any questions I may have...schedule my ultrasound and next appt...do the pee in a cup...you know just the regular stuff. We got in...(Ryan was with me)...and I got all ready to have the Dr. find the heartbeat. Well usually with Klous & Aysha...and with the appointments for this baby...he's just found it immediately. Today it seriously seemed like FOREVER. He moved the doppler thing around...looked and looked for it...I didn't think anything of it at first, then it got longer and longer...my heart was sinking and aching...I was watching the Dr to see his expressions or anything...NOTHING...he went over the placenta and it was making a sound (like that of a muffled heartbeat sound)...but he said "Oh...that's the placenta"...then moved it around a little more. FINALLY way down low and where he never usually finds it, he found it. I let out a BIG sigh of relief...or what felt like a big sigh...and the Dr apologized for scaring me or making me nervous. It was such a relief to actually hear it and know the little one is still in there. I'm almost 18 weeks, and thought it was weird that I haven't really been feeling it move much...then when he couldn't find the heartbeat I got nervous.
So then all day I've been thinking about it...I think I was more nervous because of the feelings and thoughts I've been having the last 3-4 months. The feelings of doubt and fear and stress and worry and unhappyness at times. I feel TERRIBLE thinking any of these things, because for 4 1/2 years Ryan & I tried to get a baby...and now even though it's not in OUR timeline and plan...I find myself upset sometimes. It's horrible I know...and I'm really trying to work on it, but it takes time. Each day is a new experience for me and I never know what I will feel like when I wake up and get going. I'm more then happy to be having this baby...don't get me wrong. I know of the number of ladies and mothers who can't have children, or lose their children, or sit and watch their children suffer. So for the fact that I got this one all on my own and that it's got a strong, healthy heartbeat...I couldn't be more grateful. I just struggle I guess. It's a hard truth to admit...and I think getting it out will help me to overcome it more. Who knows...
I'm sorry for my rambling...like I said though...I wanted to have a record of my thoughts and feelings today and get it out. This pregnancy sure has been an emotional roller coaster and I'm just trying to make it through at this point. Sorry again if this has offended anyone or hurt you. That was NOT my intentions...just a rambling, venting session for me I guess. Hoping to get some reassuring comments or advice maybe!?!?!