Monday, March 9, 2009

Grateful...

Last night Aysha would NOT go to sleep...I don't know what her deal was, but she just kept fighting it. Arching her back...pulling her binki out(her newest game)...looking at me and smiling, then crying. It was getting real old...especially since by this time it was after midnight...and I was DEAD tired from the silly daylight savings time.
Anyways...I was holding her...bouncing her...and trying to do whatever I could to get her to calm down. She didn't want to be held...didn't want to lay alone...didn't want to swing...nothing. So I was getting frustrated, upset, and annoyed. During all this I was chatting with my mom a little...and checking things online. I was looking at people's blogs and reading the updates.
Back in September or October, Ryan's younger sister Erin told me about a couple in their ward. They too were expecting a baby and had just found out through an ultra-sound that the baby was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which is a serious defect requiring numerous surgeries to try and help the heart work properly, until they can get a transplant. Anyways...back then I was pretty emotional thinking about this poor couple and what they would have to go through when their baby came. I've been following their blog on their little man Grant. I thought all my emotions back then were because I was 8-9 months pregnant and expecting a healthy little girl. So my heart just broke for them to think about it. I would talk to Ryan about it and tell him how grateful I was for the trials we have had trying to have kids, but when we get them, they've come healthy and fully developed. I broke down one night talking to him about it and how hard it would be to know you're pregnant...carrying a child who is fine in the womb, but once it comes into the world, you take it one day at a time because you just don't know what will happen or if they'll survive, so you treasure the time you actually have with them. This is what these parents are being faced with in the next week as they prepare for their little guy.
Anyways...as I checked their blog last night, I saw a post about a fellow little girl, Gracie, who also had this same heart condition, but had recently passed away on March 2nd from complications. The post made me interested to read more about sweet, little Gracie...and when I looked at her blog, I just cried and cried. She's such a beautiful little girl...those eyes just say so much when you look at her...and her smile. I just felt such pain and sadness for her family. Both these families are members of the church, and so it's good to know they have the knowledge of eternal families and seeing their children again if they pass on. But still...never having gone through it...I think it would still be terribly hard. You still have to go through the mourning process and deal with it. So I read more about Gracie and felt like I really got to know her from the posts her parents would do about her and all her treatments, good days, bad days, and everything. She's a precious daughter of our Heavenly Father who I guess He needed her back home for more important work...but how heart-breaking for this family.
It all made me look down at my sweet Aysha...who by this time had actually fallen asleep in my arms and been laid on my lap...I just cried as I looked at her. Mad at myself for getting upset and frustrated at her for not going to sleep. Sad that I would get those feelings, when there are other Mommies out there that would just die to hold their babies. I just held her for a little longer last night...read more about Gracie and looked at the pictures of her on the blog. That is all that family has of her now...obviously the memories and smiles in their minds...but those pictures will mean so much to them in the days, months, and years to come.
I am so grateful for me sweet babies...being a Mom is not always easy...but I will look at them with a little more patience and love when they do something. When I start feeling upset or annoyed...I hope I can think of Gracie and the love her family had/has for her. I don't know that I personally would be able to handle something like that with my kids...I had a hard enough time seeing Aysha with RSV...but to look at those pictures and see Gracie after her surgeries, with all those tubes, machines, bandages, everything...I don't know that I could look at my baby like that in a hospital bed.
Anyways...enough emotion and tears for me tonight!! I did this last night too...and have been thinking about it all day. Feeling like I should post something on here, but not knowing what. When I showed Ryan this sweet little girl this morning...my heart just ached. Babies are so precious...our Heavenly Father has such a great love for them and for all of us...and He is aware of all of the plans for us. I will try now to take things a day at a time and appreciate and love my kids, husband, family, and friends just a little more. We just never know when they may be taken from us, and how sad I would be had I not taken the time to tell them I love them...or followed a prompting to check on someone.
So you all know...I truly love each of you...you have all touched my life in ways you don't know, and I am forever grateful for it. I am praying and hoping for the best with sweet little Grant who will be born next week sometime, if not before. I pray for his parents...for the doctors...and for his sweet little body to be taken care of. Asking our Heavenly Father to bless his family and loved ones with the strength and comfort they will need in the times to come. I hope and pray we can all appreciate our triumphs and trials a little more!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL :)

6 comments:

Andrea and Danny said...

Wow... :(. I looked at Gracie's blog too and I can't even describe how grateful you and i should be. Could you imagine if our little precious ones had something wrong with them? I complain and complain about having to get up for 2 hours inthe middle of the night to feed, burp, and comfort mya. How selfish! Man - God has a plan for everyone, and there is a reason for everything - but how does this make sense? May Heavenly Father watch over and fill Gracie's parents with comfort and love. May He walk wake up in the middle of the night to hold them when they are crying and have a hunger for peace.

God Bless You 'Sister'!
Love you,
Andi

JJ said...

That was an awesome post Becki, thanks for saying what you said. You have made me feel alot more gratitude for my healthy kids and family too!
I love you and think of you and your cute family all the time!!!
Have a happy day!

ChasingChase said...

That was a very sweet blog. We are so lucky to have healthy children. I am grateful for you!

Kyle and Alli said...

Becki,

Thanks for leaving a comment on Grant's blog! This has been a wild ride we are on with Grant and I know of many nights of heartache that will come. Way to treasure these small moments with your sweet little ones. I am touched by your post and grateful that our experience is helping others to live with gratitude in the moment, as we are trying to do as well. Hope you get some sleep in tonight!

Alli

S and Q said...

Awesome post! We are so blessed to have kids who are healthy! I looked at Gracie's blog every once in awhile and when I read that she passed, my heart broke for her family! I just can't even imagine! It really puts thing into perspective for me! I have found that I get upset with Shawn and Caleb less if I just count to 3 and ask myself, does it really matter?? Is it going to effect me tomorrow? You just never know who long you will have with someone. Each day is a blessing.

On a side note, check out these cute bows! You could totally make these! You are a pro!

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZOXalfWGEo8/SZ7T_2YcVwI/AAAAAAAAAzk/fpSXa__rqLc/s1600-h/sand+and+dress+avery+071.jpg

Jamie said...

oh man... now I"M crying. good post. IT's important to remember to be grateful for what we have, even our struggles, and realize others have trials we would not want. It's hard to remember that all the time......