Thursday, November 12, 2009

Can I vent!?!?!

This is how I've been feeling lately...only I have one in the tummy too...can't tell if she does too or not!?!?!?!
Ok...I am aware that I have a TON of blessing and things to be grateful for in my life...but I am just not accepting them or enjoying them or appreciating them much lately. I'm so stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed, upset, irritated, and just down right grumpy....I don't know what to do. I mean I have a few ideas, but I'm too dang stubborn or prideful to do them and move on. I just want to dwell on things for a bit I guess and have my pity party, then I'll move on I'm sure. I just can't handle things it seems anymore.
I mean my kids seem to drive me up the wall within the first 15 minutes of being awake in the morning...then things get ok...then it's naptime and they're BEYOND tired and I'm just as cranky...then Ryan comes home from work and I just can't handle the kids at all by that point. They don't even do anything specific...I just get annoyed...
Ryan comes home from work and I bite his head off...he loves me and accepts me and tries to put up with it, but I really don't know why or how he does it?? It drives me nuts that he has to work and can't stay home and help me more...but I really do appreciate all he does for our family and how he takes care of us so that I don't have to work. And I know if it was up to him he'd have his own business and own hours and lots of money...but unfortunately things aren't that way and we can't always get what we want. So here we sit...and I just have to accept and appreciate what I have.
Then I just get annoyed with people who act at times that they understand my situation and that they really do care...then something happens and it all SLAPS me in the face that they really could care less and don't really want to help in drives me nuts. I know I have really great people around me who do care and would do anything...but for some reason those few that SLAP me in the face seem to outweigh the others.
I've struggled with this pregnancy from day one...I really hate to admit it and feel HORRIBLE about it...but I've tried to grow closer to the baby and bond and be excited and anxious to meet him and have him in our family...and yes, things have gotten better...but not completely. This was in NO WAY our plan or the way we expected things to the added stress and feelings just freak me out. I want this baby to know that I do love him...and that I will care for him like my other kids...but at the same time I feel so bad and guilty that Aysha didn't get her "baby" time...she gets so jealous and upset when I hold another baby or acknowledge another baby...what will she do when he's here CONSTANTLY!?!?! Adjust I hope!?!?!
I don't know...I'm just struggling lately I suppose...I have Aysha birthday on Nov. 24th...Thanksgiving on the 26th...Doctor appts every 2 weeks then EVERY week...Christmas shopping to get done...a house to clean and get ready for a new baby AND my mom coming to visit...a baby due Dec. 25th, but being induced the 21st hopefully...then Christmas...then New Year's...then my momma comes Jan. 5th. I am excited about all these things...but much in ONE MONTH!?!?! I can do it right???
Ok enough venting...I just need to breathe I suppose and realize I'm a mom and a woman and I asked for all of this and I can do it...right??? It doesn't help that I've gotten this stupid depression crap with this pregnancy too, so I'm just down about EVERYTHING it seems...that's so not me. Snap out of it Becki...I wish it was that easy...just a pity party for myself...if you made it to the end...thanks for reading!!! I'm done now....


Anonymous said...

Aww! You need a short get-a-way! Call me and we can grab lunch or something while Ryan bonds with your kids! Hang in there! You are doing a GREAT job!

Mike and Jana Black said...

You've gotta take it one day at a time. If you think about everything you have to do in the next few months you're going to get overwhelmed. Take it from someone who had 2 december babies, get your shopping done early. Also you'll be okay. Everything will work out. You're doing good things and you have a good husband and good kids. You'll make it. Heavenly Father isn't just going to ditch you. I really enjoyed having kids in december, they put cute christmas hats on them. You have the gospel and I know your trying your best. You are a great, great person and you don't need to snap out of it, just take it one day at a time and try to plan something fun at least every other day then you have something to look forward too. Hang in there!

♥ Karla ♥ said...

Can I come to your pity party? I have had a few myself, but I think they would be more fun if you have company! :> I am more of a "stuffer" really... I just stuff everything inside and try to not think about it or and pretend it isn't there. Bad thing is then one day I just EXPLODE over something silly like the garbage not taken out. And in reality it is the last 8 months of little and big issues, but instead I crack at a small thing. Hang in there... keep smiling (it helps to pretend things are okay) and enjoy each day that will never come again. I love you! ♥Chin up little Mama.

Anonymous said...

To lose yourself in righteous service to others can lift your sights and get your mind off personal problems, or at least put them in proper focus. “When you find yourselves a little gloomy,” said President Lorenzo Snow, “look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated.” (In General Conference, 6 April 1899.)

A woman whose life is involved in the righteous rearing of her children has a better chance of keeping up her spirits than the woman whose total concern is centered in her own personal problems.

~Ezra Taft Benson

Anonymous said...

The fellowship of true friends who can hear you out, share your joys, help carry your burdens, and correctly counsel you is priceless. For one who has been in the prison of depression, the words of the Prophet Joseph Smith have special meaning: “How sweet the voice of a friend is; one token of friendship from any source whatever awakens and calls into action every sympathetic feeling.” Ezra Taft Benson

But you need to remember Friendship is a two way street, people can only stay around for so long when they are not treated well and don't have friendship returned.

Luke and Nat said...

You don't know me...I don't know you...I saw your post title on a friends blog and decided to read, "Can I vent!?!?!?" and it totally made my day. I have an 18m old, a 7m old and 1 on the way in April...and this last one of all of them was NOT planned (nor were the other 2)! My husband just went out of town and I'm sitting here with 2 kiddies that are annoying me and I can't explain why other than that they demand my constant attention and our house is never quiet or peaceful. AND I too am feeling guilty my 3rd is not going to enjoy all the baby time and my personal attn that the first got...even though I was prego with my 2nd at that point. And I read your responses and LOVED everyone's's as if I wrote these exact sentiments on my blog and these were the responses I needed to hear. So thanks for all your venting and thoughts, I can honestly say they are EXACTLY what I am thinking today and I needed to hear the words from others. We tried for 6 yrs for our first and one of the quotes that keeps me going when I wonder if I am even fit to be a mom and why didn't people tell me what a HUGE undertaking this was all going to be is...
"Gratitude: So much has been given I have no time to ponder ever that which has been denied." Helen Keller
Thanks again,

Luke and Nat said...

oh, and because my blog is private...this is

ChasingChasey said...

I just want to say that I love you, and I'm here for you if you need me. And I think you are an incredible mother.

Lilly Corbett said...

I understand, and think you are awesome! Even when the world seems gray and hard and annoying, people see you and the good you are. When struggling with my own depression it felt like it would never end,like I was alone, even though I knew I wasn't. Just remember that just like WE asked for this role, our chilren did as well. They saw what challenges they would face and agreed to them. Aysha will adjust to the new baby and Klous will be the best little helper for you. Keep smiling lady- you have a great smile and it is contagious- whenever I see you smiling I can't help but smile!

Mindy said...

I've been on antidepressant before while pregnant (and after delivery), and I just have to say, and take it or leave it, but sometimes you get used to your level of medication and need to bump it up. I hated doing that but was so not myself. Good luck, you have a lot on your plate...don't feel like you have to do it ALL...sometimes you just can't. And that's really frustrating!

Ambyr40 said...

One thing for sure... I KNOW (not just think) you are an amazing mother. You are an awesome friend that I love so much. It's weird that we asked for mother hood right... who knew it is this hard. One thing that helps me get through things is do it one hour at a time..(forget the "one-day-at-a-time" crap!!) One hour... two hours...seriously..when i come off the weekend i work, oh man i say alot of prayers... I LOVE YOU BECKI!

AmbertheGreat said...

This is a story I found and while I have healthy children I sometime submit "life" in for the word "child" I have a great life, good husband and children but sometimes it is not what I dreamed of when I was younger and I have to remind myself that it is still do have to take care of yourself, call me if you ever need a break I would love to have your kids come over and play!!!!

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability [or life in general] - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

Amy Sorensen said...

I'm a little bit late in reading this so I don't know if you'll see my comment but I wanted you to know YOU CAN DO THIS! It is stressful and exhausting but you will find a way to cope. Aysha will adjust and be OK, and you will be able to love that new baby.

I'm saying all that because I have been exactly where you are. I told you: #3s are the surprises! I wrote the exact same feelings when i was pregnant with Nathan: I'm not ready for another one, I'm not sure if I can love him. But the thing with the surprises is that they also come with this little extra spirit that somehow makes everything OK. One day you'll know why he came when he did!

BIG HUGS!!!! You can do it!!! Focus on what really matters and let everything else go!