So I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this post or seem heartless or anything. But I've been feeling like I should post something and keep it recorded, because my goal is to someday make a book out of my blog!! Anyways...I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but I hope that you understand where I'm coming from, and that I'm not intending on hurting anyone with it.
Ok...anyways...so I had a doctor's appointment this morning. It was just a regular check-up to hear the heartbeat...ask any questions I may have...schedule my ultrasound and next appt...do the pee in a cup...you know just the regular stuff. We got in...(Ryan was with me)...and I got all ready to have the Dr. find the heartbeat. Well usually with Klous & Aysha...and with the appointments for this baby...he's just found it immediately. Today it seriously seemed like FOREVER. He moved the doppler thing around...looked and looked for it...I didn't think anything of it at first, then it got longer and longer...my heart was sinking and aching...I was watching the Dr to see his expressions or anything...NOTHING...he went over the placenta and it was making a sound (like that of a muffled heartbeat sound)...but he said "Oh...that's the placenta"...then moved it around a little more. FINALLY way down low and where he never usually finds it, he found it. I let out a BIG sigh of relief...or what felt like a big sigh...and the Dr apologized for scaring me or making me nervous. It was such a relief to actually hear it and know the little one is still in there. I'm almost 18 weeks, and thought it was weird that I haven't really been feeling it move much...then when he couldn't find the heartbeat I got nervous.
So then all day I've been thinking about it...I think I was more nervous because of the feelings and thoughts I've been having the last 3-4 months. The feelings of doubt and fear and stress and worry and unhappyness at times. I feel TERRIBLE thinking any of these things, because for 4 1/2 years Ryan & I tried to get a baby...and now even though it's not in OUR timeline and plan...I find myself upset sometimes. It's horrible I know...and I'm really trying to work on it, but it takes time. Each day is a new experience for me and I never know what I will feel like when I wake up and get going. I'm more then happy to be having this baby...don't get me wrong. I know of the number of ladies and mothers who can't have children, or lose their children, or sit and watch their children suffer. So for the fact that I got this one all on my own and that it's got a strong, healthy heartbeat...I couldn't be more grateful. I just struggle I guess. It's a hard truth to admit...and I think getting it out will help me to overcome it more. Who knows...
I'm sorry for my rambling...like I said though...I wanted to have a record of my thoughts and feelings today and get it out. This pregnancy sure has been an emotional roller coaster and I'm just trying to make it through at this point. Sorry again if this has offended anyone or hurt you. That was NOT my intentions...just a rambling, venting session for me I guess. Hoping to get some reassuring comments or advice maybe!?!?!
Becki,
ReplyDeleteI think that it is perfectly natural to feel the way you have felt. We all know that you are grateful for this baby and I don't think you need to apologize for feeling overwhelmed. He/She wasn't planned and when you found out you were preggers again you already had a tiny little one who was in that "do everything for me, I NEED YOU NOW" stage. (Although Aysha is an amazing baby...blessing right there!) The whole acceptance process would be overwhelming. But Heavenly Father knows what is best and will bless you with what you need. Yes, you need to have faith that He knows what He is doing but I also think He understands the frustrations you have been feeling. How awesome that Heavenly Father gives YOU this responsibility knowing you are a great mom and will continue to be with this new one coming. I think HE has FAITH in YOU! :) There are many trials in this life, one being women who can't have babies for whatever reason. But again, He knows and has his own reasons. Someday we will understand fully. We grow from our trials and they turn out to be blessings if we let them. Keep your chin up and call if you need anything. I'm glad all went well at your appt. I hope you come to MN with JJ. It would be fun to see you again!
Love you!
*Sorry this turned out to be so long.*
You are so good for sharing your feelings. I hope things go well for you, and you can feel better. When I first read your post I was scared, but I'm glad they've heard the heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteI think every mother feels overwhelmed at times, let alone someone who is about to have 3 little ones under the age of 3! I must have told my mom 20 times that first week that she was going to have to raise Chase cuz I couldn't do it, and he was my only one! What you are going through is hard. Depression issues are very common, and you have to remember how much your body is going through. I look at you in wonder that you are still in good spirits so much of the time. You are a great mom and things will be great eventually. Even if little things along the way throw things out of wack a little. I love you and I am here for you always. Hang in there girl!
ReplyDeleteHugs and more hugs - it's so scary to not find the heart beat, and even harder when you've struggled with the pregnancy. Just know that you are not alone and that you are a wonderful mother and that Heavenly Father really is close by watching over you and your little family
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your honest feelings. That is what our blogs are for, to let us vent and recieve advice or comfort, or sometimes just to vent. I'm thankful you shared your true feelings, because later you will look back and read it and see how you overcame those feelings. We all understand feeling how you do with having the babies so close, and I believe all of us have been there at some point during some pregnancy. Glad they found the heartbeat, and that everyone is healthy. Keep your head up and just keep smiling, we are thinking of you!!! :)
ReplyDeleteThat heartbeat thing happened with Gabe one time too....it was scary! Becki, you are such a great person who has so much potential....and you will totally be able to handle whatever comes your way, and that includes an unexpected baby. Hang in there, have faith in HF's plan, and it'll be ok. I promise! I love you, and hope you decide to go to MN with me too!
ReplyDeleteI love you! I know what it is like to be unsure of having a child when you dont think you are ready or even capable. You are awesome.
ReplyDeleteLove you
Amber
I am catching up on all the blogs I missed while on vacation... I did that same thing, was with Samantha and I was thinking I was crazy for wanting to start all over again. My heart sank and I got all scared when he wasn't finding that little sound. I would have started crying right there if I were alone. That emotion just goes to show that you REALLY do want this little one, even though it is hard. Your a great mom, and have many angels watching over you and helping you. Keep your chin up, and expect a visitor soon. Amber and Samantha want to play. :) I will call you! Miss ya!
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